


Guilt-Ridden

by Purplepulu



Series: Guilt-Ridden [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: After WCI, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, I Don't Even Know, Not Beta Read, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vinsmoke Sanji Angst, Vinsmoke Sanji-centric, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 03:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18327911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplepulu/pseuds/Purplepulu
Summary: The Strawhats has finally gotten their Cook back, but at what cost?Pedro died, Jinbei's missing and worse of all, Big Mom's fleet is ruthlessly chasing after them for the embarrassment they caused.However, that's not the only problem they are facing. Unbeknownst to the Crew, Sanji is not doing so well even when he's back with his nakama.





	Guilt-Ridden

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I was thinking when I started this but here it is.....  
> Happens right after WCI so only half the crew is there.
> 
> Enjoy!<3

 

 

The guilt he feels is too much. He thought he was doing the right thing by leaving his crew to settle things once and for all with his so-called family but instead he brought about a war with a Yonko.  


Though Carrot repeatedly told him it was not his fault, he can't help but feel responsible for the Leopard mink's death.

  
Everything's his fault. He could he not think that? In fact, he's surprised that everyone is taking this whole situation quite well. He wouldn't blame them for wanting to hit him or blame him for all the trouble he caused.

  
Hell, he is almost looking forward to the showdown with Zoro when they meet up which is bound to happen because the Swordsman would not just let his disrespect for the captain go. And though it was a long time ago, he still remembered the harsh slap Nami gave him when he attacked Luffy without restraint. He deserved it. He deserves anything they throw at him and he'll willingly take it because it's all his fault.

  
So why is it that Luffy forgave him so easily?

  
He hurt him so bad. He disrespected him; called him a filthy pirate and mocked his dreams. Kicked his ass while his captain did nothing to fight back and even brushed off his attempts on rescuing him. True, he didn't mean those things that he said but though it may be all an act to get Luffy away and protect the crew, the words that came from his mouth hurts and can never be taken back.

  
Yet through it all, his Captain kept trying to get him back.

  
Why?

  
He can never be forgiven for the things he did. Even if his nakama forgives him, he can't forgive himself for everything.

  
Judge's words rang in his head: " _You're a good-for-nothing Sanji. No one will want you_."

  
He spent years believing that and even after Zeff came into his life, a small part of him still believes that.

  
He's dead-weight. He only brings trouble to those around him. Zeff never signed up to raise a kid, especially a kid with mental issues like himself. And yet he still did raise Sanji because he was stuck with him.

  
Even after he went out to sea with Luffy, he still have a lot of insecurities within him but it was kept away through the many adventures his wayward Captain kept running them into. It was chaos every single day leaving him with no time to even think but that's how he likes it.  


Well, that is until his bastard family came to get him back.

  
Like what the hell?

  
Throwing him away because he was useless wasn't enough and now they want him back to be used as a tool?

  
There's only so much a person can take before they break. And Sanji feels as though his limit was reaching soon.

  
The anxiousness, the panic, the fear, the anger and mostly, the trauma all came rushing back to him as soon as he saw the man who he used to call father.

  
He hated him so much.

  
But at the same time, the child in him still fears him.

  
The threats Judge used on Sanji was enough to keep him grounded and still. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

  
No. He couldn't let anyone get hurt—couldn't let anyone suffer because of him.

  
So when he heard Luffy was coming to get him back, he was happy but at the same time fearful. If his family did anything to Luffy or the crew, he'll never forgive himself for dragging them into this.

  
The battle that raged on was fierce and Sanji had never been so afraid in his life, more so when he thought his brothers were going to kill him. He wasn't afraid for himself, no. He was afraid for his nakama, the ones he truly call his family.

  
When the battle ended and they're safe outside the waters of the Yonko territory, did Sanji found out the whole story of the cost of the battle.

  
Predo sacrificed himself for the crew to get away. He protected the crew while Sanji only endangered them. Predo shouldn't have died. He shouldn't even have come here at all in the first place.

  
And Jinbe....Sanji doesn't know the fishman well but he knows that he's a worthy crew mate and the one who saved Luffy at Marineford. And again, Jinbe and his crew saved them from Big Mom, letting them escape while they stayed behind to hold them off.

  
They didn't know what happened to them but Luffy was confident that they escaped though Sanji's not so sure because he didn't have his Captain's positive optimism.  
  


Even the Sunny fought hard and suffered so many holes, broken helm and burnt sails, and without their shipwright with them, Sunny would have to endure it a little longer. 

  
He really doesn't deserve to be here right now after all the trouble he caused to the crew and yet, he didn't want to leave either. He is happy here and yet, the guilt in him is making it hard to stay himself.

  
After he came back to the crew, he spends his days in the galley, cooking all the time, making up for the days he was gone and showering the girls with his delicious food and praises.

  
Though in his spare time, he finds himself napping and feeling quite listless. He tries to keep himself busy but found he didn't have the energy to do so; he was constantly feeling tired and guilty.

  
Chopper noticed it first when he spotted Sanji napping in the galley when he came to get some herbs for his medicine. This was not the first time the doctor noticed the blond napping when he usually doesn't. It nags at him that something may not be right. The little doctor was a little worried at his friend's behavior and decided to approach him.

  
"Sanji?" He quietly called, rousing the blond from his nap.

  
"Are you feeling okay?"

  
Sanji frowned at that question but quickly waved it off.

  
"I'm fine. Just a little tired." He admitted.

  
The little doctor wasn't convinced by his answer and was still concerned.

  
"Don't overwork yourself alright? You know you can always come to me if you have any problems."

  
Sanji's eyes widen a little but soften as he smiled gently at his young crew mate. "I know. But I'm really fine. Thank you Chopper."

  
Chopper nodded but still the nagging feeling in him wouldn't go away. He didn't understand it though. Sanji wasn't sick. He still smells the same—of smokes and spices—and he still goes around showering the girls with his usual over-exaggerated love confessions. It was like Sanji the used to know but something still doesn't seem right.

  
As a doctor, it bothered Chopper greatly to know that one of his crew mates is not feeling their 100% best and it troubles him more when they're not telling him about it.

  
He wants to help but he can't help if they don't tell him what's going on.

  
He feels stuck but what should he do? Sanji—like most of the Strawhats—is stubborn when it comes to his own wellbeing and is one of the selfless people Chopper's has ever come across. Despite his foul mouth and his lecherous behavior towards women, he always have the best interest of his crew at heart and is willing to go through any means for them, even to the point of sacrificing himself in the process.

  
Which is what had happened with the war with Big Mom....

  
Chopper sighed. He knew Sanji's still blaming himself for Pedro's death and their injuries they suffered including the Sunny's.

  
Even now, the ship still in tatters and holes because their Shipwright's not with them yet. He should be somewhere in Wano where they're suppose to meet up. The journey to Wano should take about a week or so according to Nami. He can't wait to meet up with the rest but at the same time the little doctor is worried about the current state of the crew. Luffy still needs more time to heal, as well as everyone else but he was most worried about their Cook.

  
His wounds are not only physical but emotional ones too. Chopper didn't know the exact details about Sanji's past with his brothers but from how he saw Sanji talked about his family, he was sure the scar was a deep one. And it's a scar Chopper cannot heal no matter how skilled he is. It troubles him greatly as a doctor and also as Sanji's nakama that he couldn't seem to come up with anything to help the Cook.

  
Maybe he needs to study more?

  
Yes, that must be it!

  
He learned most of his medical knowledge from books at Doctorine's place and along the way he also picked up more medical books to read in order to improve as a doctor. There must be something that could help Sanji in one of his books!

  
Excited, the little reindeer ran down to the library with a determined frown in place.

* * *

  
Brook observed the blond as he made himself busy in the kitchen with a new recipe to try out. Brook has also noticed the strange behavior of his crewmate and it bothered him.

  
Being the eldest among the crew, he has a good insight of what might be happening to the blond and if he has to guess what the Cook must be feeling right now it'll be guilt. So Brook stayed in the galley and observed in silence and at the same time hopes his presence would lend a comforting hand to the blond.

  
As the world only living skeleton (by far), he is no stranger to guilt as he felt it from time to time during his days alone stuck in the Floridian Triangle. How he's the only one of his crew to survive and how he lead his crew to their deaths because he had not been a good enough captain. All these feelings were banished when Luffy invited him to join the Strawhat crew but he knows it's still there, still lurking about at the back of his mind.

  
So he stayed as he sipped his tea in contentment. Sanji's tea is always the best no matter how times he drinks it. Looks like the past 80 years weren't for naught, he got to meet the future Pirate King and became part of his family and even got to eat such wonderful meals prepared by a first-class chef. Meals have never been so lively and he found himself looking forward to every meal because their chef has never failed to amaze them with his cooking.

  
That's why he wishes that the said chef could see how much joy his cooking brought to those around him. Brook desperately wishes he could take away the burden from his friend's shoulders just to see him smile again. Sanji-san always has the brightest smiles and the kindest hearts Brook has ever met.

  
So why must such events befall on such a wonderful person? It hurts not only him, but everyone in the crew when they see that their Cook is not smiling from the heart, the light in his bright, blue eyes just wasn't there anymore. It's now dull and tired. But yet he smiles, as if it's for their sake he's smiling and not because he wants to.

  
That's just not right.

  
"Sanji-san?" Brook finally decided to break the silence in the galley after a long moment.

  
"Hmm?" Sanji hummed in acknowledgement, not turning his back from washing the dishes. Clearly there weren't so many dishes to be washed now are there?

  
"Care to have a cup of tea with me?" Brook offered, raising his teacup in hand.

  
Sanji paused for a moment, his shoulders seems tensed. "Nah. I'm good. I want to finish these dishes and get prepared on dinner soon." He said, still not turning around to face Brook.

  
"But we just had lunch. Surely you could take a small break before you start dinner?" Brook tried. He knows what Sanji's doing and this old skeleton is not going to let him have his way.

  
He heard Sanji sigh under his breath before he slowly turned around to face him. His face was so worn out and exhausted, there were bags under his eyes telling Brook that their chef has not been sleeping for the past few days. His eyes were dull and his body tense.

  
Brook could clearly tell their chef was suffering.

  
"I'll just have a cup." Sanji finally said, giving Brook a strained smile before making his way over to him.

  
"Thank you." Brook said which surprises Sanji.

  
Brook knew what he was thinking and answered his unspoken question.  
  
  
"You always have the best interest of the crew at heart. You always try to protect everyone. And even though you try to cover it up, I know you always prepare everyone's favorite snacks whenever they are feeling down and treat it as though it was nothing. Everyone's grateful that you're around."

  
Sanji was speechless. He didn't know how to response to that even though in his heart he was denying all Brook had said.

  
He wasn't that great. Cooking was all he can do.

  
There was a moment of silence between them as they each drank their tea before Sanji couldn't stand the awkwardness in the room.

  
".....I gotta go prepare dinner...."

  
He stood up hastily, almost knocking his knees to the table and mumbled an apology before speed-walking towards the pantry to hide—or as he tells himself, to get ingredients.

  
Once in the dark room of the pantry, he cursed himself. He knew what Brook was trying to do and though he was grateful for his nakama's concern, he also didn't want it.

  
He's fine. He's alright. And he's going to show it to everyone so no one would question it.

  
He could do it. He must do it.

  
He couldn't stand them finding out how broken he is.

  
If they ever know......

 

 

 

  
He would shatter......

* * *

 

"Hey Cap'n, how about a feast tonight? I'll make you all the meat you want." Sanji grinned at his wide-eyed captain.

  
"REALLY??!! YES!! MEAT!!" Luffy yelled and threw a fist in the air excitedly.

  
"You're the best cook in the world Sanji!!" Luffy wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug and Sanji felt as though his ribs might break.

  
.........As well as something in his chest.

  
"Anythin' for you my captain." Sanji bowed dramatically and swiftly retreated to his kitchen while Luffy watched on in laughter.

  
"Don't you think he's acting weird lately Luffy?" Nami asked worriedly.

  
"Sanji's fine." Luffy smiled assuringly at his Navigator. "He's strong. He'll get through this. After all, he has us by his side!"

  
Nami smiled at her Captain's words. Luffy spoke it with great confidence and trust in his nakama that Nami could only nod and leave it at that. She trusts Luffy and hope that  
he's right.

 _  
Sanji will be fine_. She told herself.  _We'll get through this._

 

  
If only it's that easy.....

 

* * *

  
Sanji busied himself in the kitchen preparing the biggest, most magnificent meal he ever made given that they did not have that much ingredients left thanks to Luffy.

  
He brought out his best cutlery, his best crockery, got out his favorite table cloth and decorated the table with candles.

  
Taking out his planned ingredients for the feast, he got down to business and tuned everything out.

  
He was so focused on his task that before he knew it, the sun has gone down and dinner was an hour away.

  
Everything was set and the meat just needs a few more minutes to cook. The other small appetizers were all prepared and set out on the table just like the other silverware he  
put out next to the beautiful pristine plates.

  
All was accounted for. He really did outdone himself this time and not a minute too late. He hasn't felt this alive for so long. He had almost forgotten the feeling of cooking for his beloved friends. He thought he had lost it all.

  
He hoped this would be enough to compensate for all he'd done.....and will do....

  
He heard his captain's yell from the door and knew that the smell of meat has brought him running but he wasn't going to let him in yet, especially not without the lovely ladies first.

  
Everyone gathered in the galley and paused at the door once they saw the sight before them. Only Luffy was not fazed by it and rushed to his seat, eager to get started on this great feast.

  
"What's the occasion Sanji-kun?" Nami questioned, still in awe at the sight of the food and decorations on the table.

  
"Hm? Oh, there's no occasion Nami-san. I just thought now would be a perfect time to try out some new recipes and prepare a feast for you ladies to enjoy~" Sanji swooned but without his usual vigor which Nami caught on.

  
"Huh." Nami eyes Sanji suspiciously, hoping he'll break and tell her the real reason for doing this but Sanji quickly turn his attention to his captain who was already sneaking a bite out of the stack of meat.

  
"Wait till everyone's seated you damn rubber!" He shouted and whacked Luffy in the head.

  
"Meanie...." Luffy pouted but waited till everyone was fully seated before stretching his arms to get all the meat from the different plates off the table.

  
"DELICIOUS!!" Luffy whooped loudly while grabbing for more food of the plates. The other crew members nodded their head excitedly in agreement.

  
"This is really good Sanji! Thank you!" Chopper ate with glee.

  
"You seriously outdone yourself today Sanji-kun." Nami praised.

  
"Yohohoho!! It's so delicious that my taste buds are tingling!! But I'm a skeleton so I have no tongue! Yohohoho~"

  
Sanji absorb their praises with a strained smile. He's happy that his cooking made his nakama happy but he also doesn't think he deserves these praises, there are surely better chefs out there compared to him—less messed up than him.....Plus, this feast is sort of an apology to his crew for his selfish behavior and the trouble he brought to them.

  
He didn't think he could say it out loud to them about this because he knows they'll surely forgive him with smiles and warm hugs and tell him not to worry about it. That's how his crew is and that's what he loves about them.

  
But he can't keep lying to them.... Can't keep these fake smiles up.

  
But it's not their fault, the problem lies with him. It's always him.

  
He brings disaster wherever he goes and he's tired of making his loved ones suffer because of him.

  
Tired of everything.

 

* * *

 

  
After everyone has gone to bed, he alone stayed in the kitchen to clean the dishes and other small task he thought he might as well do since none of the guys would do it and he couldn't possibly let the ladies do it. He even made some late night snack to last for weeks and stored it in the fridge for them to enjoy at their own convenience.

  
It's the least he could do after all the trouble he caused them just by being on this ship.

  
After everything was cleaned and tidied up, he collapsed onto the bench in exhaustion. He didn't think he was that tired but everything in him was yelling at him to go to sleep. However, he knows it'll be a futile task since his mind would not stop torturing him with nonsensical endless thoughts, assaulting him with its deadly venom.

  
Really....He was just so so very tired.

  
He didn't think he could do this anymore--at least not to them.

  
Didn't think he could smile at him without breaking down. Didn't think he could keep this happy facade up in front of them. Didn't think he could be the  _strong_  person they thought him to be.

  
Judge was right; he is a failure—a waste of space. He should have died when he first went out to sea, he should have died in the Orbit.

  
But he didn't.

  
He should have died of starvation on the damn forsaken rock.

  
But he didn't.

  
He should have died when he offered himself to the Warlord.

  
But he didn't.

  
And it tortured him so to find that he's still alive not because he's strong.....but because he lives while others suffer for his sake.

  
His whole existence has only caused trouble to those around him.

  
The people at Orbit were forced to take care of a young boy who knew nothing of the world due to his upbringing and had showed him nothing but kindness to a stranger. And yet they paid the price with their deaths.

  
Old man Zeff lost his leg because of him and due to that, has lost his entire life as a pirate and all of his strength as Red-Leg Zeff. Not only that, he had to take care of a troubled, foul-mouth teen who get into shouting matches with him every day.

  
His mother had suffered from ill-health because she didn't want to give birth to emotionless children to be used for war and looked what happened. Not only did it not work as well as she hoped, with the only exception of the 'dud' but she lost her life due to the drug she took.

 

And his Nakama.....

  
They'll all be better off without him around to cause more trouble.

  
They are about to go into war with one of the Yonko's and because of him, they had to split their forces up to get him, increasing the risk of failure of the mission.

  
And all because he wasn't capable of cleaning up his own mess.

  
Though Zoro doesn't say it, he knows the Swordsman has always frown upon his chivalry and his morals but just leave him be, that is until his chivalry almost cause his own death and harm to his nakama.

  
Like the fight with Kalfia. Nami had to pick up his slack after he failed to take the assassin down. Nami got injured because of him—because he couldn't fight a woman.

  
Sure, he couldn't abandon his morals and teachings from his old man but this didn't change the fact that he was useless in the fight. And what if his actions that day caused Robin to be taken away? What if they had been too slow because of him?

  
He couldn't bear the thought of his Nakama getting hurt because of him.

  
He doesn't deserve it.

  
Doesn't deserve the love his nakama gives him, doesn't deserve the family he's been blessed with. Doesn't deserve anything because he'll only end up ruining it.

  
The guilt in him churns uncomfortably, bringing him to the point of nausea.

  
He thought he could do it; Act normal and smile, it's that easy right?

  
But he could tell the others knew the smiles are forced as is his behavior. They are all worried for him and he feels like a scum for making them worry.

 _  
What more do you want till you're satisfied_? He scolded himself harshly in his head.

  
He can't do this anymore.

  
Can't stand to see them worry about him.

.

.

.  
  
Can't stand to see himself slowly wither away like a cripple.

  
Strings of words came at him like a freight train; assaulting his mind with its cruelty:

 

  
Pathetic.

 

  
Weak.

 

  
Failure.

 

  
Waste of space.

 

  
Unwanted.

 

  
Unlovable.

 

 **  
Useless**.

  
The last one made his mind blank.

  
He knew what he had to do.

  
He knew what he must do in order to free everyone from  _him_.

  
Walking towards the edge of the ship on stiff legs, he easily hopped up the railing and stared into the dark waters below.

  
The midnight waters looks so calm and inviting, a perfect place to end it all.

  
He felt nothing at all when he fell or when the cold waters rushed at him, embracing him, encircling him and enveloping him with its icy touches.

  
His eyes burned with the saltwater and he didn't know whether his eyes were open or closed. He could see nothing. Nothing except darkness all around him and yet he felt at  
peace.

 _  
Ahh....I should have done this ages ago....._ He thought with a grim smile.

  
The water tug at his clothes, dragging him down deeper and deeper into the ocean depths and he did nothing to stop it. He did nothing but allow the waters to take him. His limbs hang by his side as though dead and his body terribly heavy. He didn't want to fight anymore.

  
He was tired.

  
Air escaped his mouth in a swarm of bubbles as water rushed in. He felt his lungs burned with the need of oxygen and his instincts screamed at him to get out of the water but he knows it's too late.

  
Soon, his consciousness starts to fade and he knew he'll soon get his wish.

  
It's only a matter of time now.  


More bubbles escaped him and the pain in his lungs has receded into nothingness. His body feels heavy and his mind just wants to sleep.

  
Everything in him is numb.

  
And that's how he wanted it to be.

  
It feels like forever that he had a good night of rest and now he'll finally get his wish—a never ending sleep.

 

 

He smiled.

 

 

 

 

_I love you guys—my friends, my family; my Nakama._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So guys.....Please tell me what you think of it. 
> 
>  
> 
> And also.....I'm in a dilemma here. I kinda wrote a short sequel to this where Sanji lives but I'm not sure whether should I continue it or just end it here. So I'm gonna leave it be for now till I get some sort of inspiration or comments on what I should do. But I hope you enjoyed this fic (even if it's dark....) and till next time!:3
> 
> ~Purplepulu


End file.
